This time four years ago, having successfully hidden from the midwife that had arrived at the house to 'sweep my membranes' (now there's an offer I thought I could never refuse), I was nine days overdue to give birth to my son. We knew he was a son - our son - from 20 weeks into my pregnancy, when we paid for the most amazing private 20 minute scan. The face that went with the name 'Herbert' we had already called him with affection since finding out that I was expecting our child.

I couldn't face the thought of another delivery. My daughters horrific entrance into the world still as fresh in my mind as though it were yesterday and yet ten years had passed. I felt humiliated, debased and most of all out of control. Things were being done to me, some without my consent, Horrible things were happening to me. I was still a child myself. Expected to grow up and face the music whilst popping out a child. Easier said then done. So I didn't. Grow up that is.

And now, there I was ten years later, nine days overdue, wanting to stay pregnant forever. The whole time I was pregnant I did not enjoy it - I could only dwell on what had happened before. It affected me mentally quite badly. I looked ill with worry. Grey. Other expectant mothers bloomed. I was blooming anxious. It showed on my face.

All the other worries aside from the delivery felt as though I was carrying the weight of the world together with the weight of my unborn child. Would I bond with him? Would I love him? Would I be the terrible mother that I had been to my daughter?

This child was different. He was conceived and born out of love. Planned and wanted. What if I messed it all up again?

That child, my son, arrived quickly, nearly seamlessly. All that worry had been for nothing. Yes it hurt. But I was a different person this time around. My husband let me near break all his fingers with each contraction and out he came in 6 minutes. The second I saw his little face I knew that this time it would be different.

He's four tomorrow this son of ours. He's beautiful inside and out. And we made him.