today I'm Dexter

Jamie Oliver has got a lot to answer for I swear! Just had a bit of mare doing a casserole, only in that my casserole dish cracked right through the middle just at a particularly tricky stage in the proceedings.

Anyhow, I have fashioned another casserole dish using two pyrex roasting dishes upside down on each other, disaster averted.

The reason for the picnic? Intimate dinner a deux circa 8.30 p.m. Well, when I say intimate dinner a deux, I really mean, it should be an intimate dinner a deux however my teenage daughter will be glowering over her jerusalem artichokes and butternut squashy bits just in case there is any romance in the air to be squooshed out of existence. Disgusting this romance business if you are 14 and know everything there is to know about everything.

If you too fancy having a go at this very easy casserole, the link is below. 20 minutes preparation time (40 if you have to work out what to cook the damn thing in) and 3 -4 hours in a moderate oven.

Talented woman this mrsbate, she can even read a recipe.

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/2007/09/26/jools_s_favourite_beef_stew

A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner.

He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'

Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.

As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'

Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

I don't know if you have ever had the misfortune to read any of her drivel however I have, and now I feel duty bound to warn you about her.

Being the classically beautiful supermodelesque type that she is, she is clearly qualified to poke fun at mere mortal women and does so at will to any media outlet that will pay for her poisonous mutterings.

I may get sued here but what the hell. In for a penny in for a pound. And let's be honest, it doesn't stop her.

Right then, for the jugular: IMO she's fat, has a face like Camilla Parker Bowles, a problem with the drink (must have as I could only be so vile whilst hungover) and is obviously green with envy at the thought of other women doing well for themselves. She is not an advocate of successful women - she is one like Katy Hopkins (but not as clever or slim - nearly said attractive but I cannot seem to get passed rattlesnake when I picture the 'delightful' Katie), one that will take you down, silent assassin. Look you in the eye whilst stealing your husband type. She is the kind of woman that undermines other women and does not support them.

It's a shame that her intellect doesn't even match the size of her ass, even more unfortunate that she sees fit to pour scorn on other women despite being far from an exemplary specimen herself. How can she mock the post-pregnancy shape of another woman looking the way that she does herself? I expect she pinged straight back into her size 22 jeans immediately after the delivery.

She is jealous, green eyed, bitter and twisted and I firmly believe she needs a good slap. Everything I read that she has written is back biting or sniping at women. Whilst I am not a feminist per se, I suspect that she must be a chauvenist male pig with a dress and lipstick on. I bet she wears thongs too. Well, if the cap fits....

It's not a good look - why don't they realise this? These fat women assaulting our eyes with all kinds of nastiness??

Why do they have to bend over in front of you with their lacy black g string, hoiked up around their ears with all manner of unspeakable horrors escaping from front, back and sides?

And why do these women hang around in play barns. Meant to be a safe haven for children and adults alike. An innocuous place, fun for all the family - mums get get high on latte's and OK magazine, sons and daughters run themselves ragged, duped by the master plan to get them so tired they will not complain when mum says "time for bed". It's a win win situation.

Until the league of fatties walk in, g-strings exposed and at the ready, reebok classics gleaming in the sunlight, the look completed with a scrunchie in their dyed black or weird shade of red coloured hair. Bending over at will right in front of your eyes (oh my eyes!). Shaking their gargantuan asses at you, shameless!

Then they order 60 chicken nuggets (and that's just for Britney and Chardonnay - their fat offspring - who are also wearing g-strings at ages 7 & 9), 2 litres of coca-cola and a tray of oven chips with garlic mayonnaise, whilst muttering something about "it'll av to do until we get 'ome and get the deep fat fryer out".

They think chips are part of your 5-a-day!

Anyhow, I want to say to all the fat women out there. Just say No! Enough is enough. Go to Marks and Spencers and buy some big pants and some trousers that fit you. Stop assaulting the eyes of the nation, exposing them to the horrors of what lies beneath ones trousers.

For god's sake, fat women in thongs should be arrested as they are outraging public decency. People have been convicted and sent to prison for far less.