today I'm Dexter

If there's any budding rock climbers or boulderers out there then you have to check out this new wall.

http://www.alter-rock.co.uk/index.html

This is the link to the website. The bouldering grades are set a little higher than I'm used to but the climbing is spectacular. It's located inside an old church and so the feel and space of the place is sensational. Best wall I have been to as yet. And I intend to go again lots more times!!! Check it out...

I appreciate that it is supposed to be lucky if a bird poos on your head but what about this scenario:

You are standing slightly removed from the back door in your dressing gown minding your own business at 06:45 hours having a cigarette [bad bad mrsbate]; a blackbird flys over your head and lands on the gutter above your head and starts to sing.

Next thing the dirty little bastard aims his aris at you and fires black sticky goo in your direction. Now not having my glasses on made it a bastard to dodge. Cheeky bird I thought. And then the little twat did it again. Aimed right at me I mean. I did not know until today that blackbirds could aim and fire their feathery little bottoms at will.

I think we should all be watching out for them.... they are obviously a bigger threat than we pegged them for; who knows what else they are capable of?

Go Leeds, Go Forest, Go Leeds, Go Forest ....

Leeds play Carlisle in semi-finals of League One play offs, Monday 12 May at Home and then Thursday 15 May away from home. Everything crossed for Super Leeds and a Wembley final on 25 May, I'll be there singing my little heart out. We finished 5th in the League and yes, whilst we would have gotten automatic promotion without the 15 point deduction personally I wouldn't have it any other way. I think we're going back up. I would stake my sunday lunch on it.

And then, what can I say... Super Forest indeed. My crystal ball it worked! Forest won at home to Leyton Orient, Doncaster were beaten away by relegation threatened Cheltenham.... up go Forest back into the championship woo ha. Next season is going to be great.

[For all of you purists out there who say you can't follow two teams, well I'm living proof that you can on an 85/15 loyalty divide]

A new take on a veritable classic piece of literature adapted to suit current affairs.

The Lion = Y
The Bitch = X
The Torture Chamber = XC2 or H (or the bitch multiplied by conscience squared and/or H for Head)

if Y = X(XC2), then you would feel sorry for Y no?
if X = Y - XC2, then what does that leave?

Try and apply logic to an area where there is none and chaos will rain.

My day is filled with giga joules and energy benchmarks. My noodle is stewed and my eyes are failing.

I have 15 utility budgets and targets to set. 15 energy reports to update and validate. Code to write and graphs to make.

I have so far completed 1.5 (or 10%). This makes me feel a little overwhelmed by the enormity of the task and am hereby officially requesting to the powers that be that we stick to the same financial year from here on in. We'll just have a rolling financial year 2008 - Infinity. Sounds like a plan to me.

I guess I am supposed to be cheesed off that I am stuck at work updating 15 lots of gas, electricity and water budgets and then comparing against typical and good practice values; except I'm not.

The sun is almost shining, the drunks outside are singing away, I'm going to lunch in a few moments with a couple of girls from work for a good old bitch, boredom levels are low, iPod undoubtedly helping the flow me thinks. Would recommend working with your headphones glued in. You don't have to listen to anybody babbling on about banal guff, you can't hear your phone ringing which is always a good thing - less work to do, and mood - well stays surprisngly upbeat (163 upbeats per minute if you pick the right genre) - even if one of my contracts appears to be using as much water as London.

Weekend was a lovely affair, filled with birdsong and sunshine. I unchained the kids and let them out of the cellar on Saturday after I had done the garden for a picnic on the lawm. Very nice it was too, anyway had enough of them after a couple of hours and so chained them back up again with some bread and dripping and told them not to make too much noise.

Aside from having my eyes assaulted by previously mentioned fat women in thongs pulled up to their necks at the park on Sunday, my life is sweetness and light.

[just in case you are from the social services I don't really chain my kids up in the cellar, they are in fact tied with soft rope so that it doesn't chafe]

Something has changed and I won't be able to go back to the way it was before. I'm in a period of increased mental awareness and am learning things that can help me better express my unique individuality. As clever as I may be now, I shouldn't fall into the trap of thinking that cool logic is more important than my intuitive feelings.

Something has indeed changed in my life, that something is me. Dexter is now old news, I have feelings simmering away beneath the cucumber cool exterior. Random emotions and feelings that aren't anger or frustration or resentment flash intermittently into my days. It feels good.

Well, well, well. One game to go, everything to play for. As it stands Leeds meet Forest, two fallen giants in the semi-finals of the League One play offs. Bit of a bugger for me as my dirty little secret second team is, you guessed it, Forest.

I fell in love with football watching Brian "If football was meant to be played up in the air, they'd put fucking wings on the ball" Clough's Forest beating Berlin in the European Cup Final in 1981 aged 7. Ahh, takes me back... And so, loyalties sort of divided - although if push came to shove and it may, I will be sceaming my little head of for the might Leeds at Wembley come the day. (MOT).

Another scenario, Doncaster draw or lose away to Cheltenham on Saturday, Forest win at home to Leyton Orient and secure the second automatic promotion spot, Leeds get through in the play offs, beating Doncaster in the final at Wembley and I am doubly happy.

Another scenario, Leeds get their 15 points back (currently hidden in secret chest mentioned in the 'Mystery of the missing 15 points blog), win their last game, Swansea lose theirs, we go up as Champions, vindicated (please insert another word of your choice if not a fan of Leeds [laughs]). Forest go up in the play-offs.

Another scenario :O(
Leeds don't get promoted this season and stay in League One forever, playing Macclesfield Town and Huddersfield at football stadiums with portaloos.

Whatever happens, to finish 6th in the table after a 15 point deduction and losing your management team part way through the season (I refer more to Gus Poyet than Dennis 'Wise'); is nothing short of spectacular - think we are the first team to get such a points deduction and not get relegated. We get 30,000 at Elland Road regularly. Hats of to all the fans and hats off to Garry McCallister and the team. MOT, good luck for the 1st May and I'll be there at Wembley (if we make it). Getting all emotional now, best go off and blow my nose....

Reports are reaching us of a football scandal of 'Thomas Brolin' proportions. A source close to Leeds Utd claims that Mr Ken 'Watch My Lips' Bates has enlisted the assistance of international superhero Captain Scarlet in his efforts to retrieve a chest containing 15 League One Points.

The chest has been housed in the football league offices since August 2007, where it had previously spent time in administration, although it origins could be traced back to Peter 'I Have a Dream' Ridsdale and a group of young bucks on frightening wages and offices full of goldfish!

It is thought that any attempt to capture the chest of points would involve Captain Scarlet impersonating Football League Chairman Brian 'Adolf' Mahwinney and swapping the chest with a doppleganger containing a box of milk tray and a pickled egg!

Captain Scarlet was absent during the training module on appropriate calling cards. However, as this report is likely to blow the whole hustle it seems Leeds United will have to rely on the clever mind control ability of Kenneth Bates (it did work on Vialli but Gullit was more immune! Maybe down to having more hair!).

[With special thanks to Captain Scarlet]

Venus-Pluto square might require that I live out one set of emotions while burying another, it said that a few days ago about me and the other one twelfth of the population of the world. Today it applies, yesterday it applied back then it was merely possibly applicable. Not actual fact.

I'm not suing for the planets being out of alignment, maybe it was a warning shot across the bow; sometime in the not too distant future there will be a crossroads in your life; down one road there is more of the same in varying doses for infinity ad infinitum; down the second road Babylon. The choice is yours Mrs B.

The price for Babylon? I don't yet know, I have just got my wallet out hoping that I have enough.

These numbers will only be familiar to you if you are a Derby County fan. At the beginning of the season, and as a devout and committed Leeds United follower, I have to admit, the tonkings that Derby got were a constant source of mirth and merriment.

News that the Derby goal keeper has been left at this stage of the season needing lifelong therapy and may possibly live out his days having being gender reassigned as a pizza hut waitress called Doris - well it's the stuff that Carry on Films are made of!

It should be wearing off by now, but the Aston Villa tonking them 6 - 0 at home nearly pushed me over the edge, I'm sorry, I'll try to stop laughing now *grins*

I am uplifted today as my ruling planet Jupiter increases my self-esteem, enabling me to feel more positive about my future. This can be a fortunate time as I transform my positive thoughts into concrete reality. But first I must check my facts so I don't get too far off track. I am riding a powerful wave, so keep your wits about you mrsbate or you could find yourself under water.

Am I out of my depth? Do I know what I am doing? How long before this all goes bang bang bang and your ass hits the floor with a resounding thump?

Yes, No, I don't know, apply as required....

Uncontrollable mood swings have overwhelmed me today because the Moon is still in my emotionally sensitive sign. But stability is likely on the way, which will enable me to fully enjoy the weekend ahead. I shouldn't worry if it feels like I've run out of time; apparently I haven't. It's just that I must make a decision about what I want to do next in my life.

Think perhaps the planets were one day out of aligment because that, for me, was yesterday.

I love how spookily close horoscopes can be if you let them into your heart. I wonder if there is any truth in it after all? I quite like the idea that we are governed by which
planet is in which house of your sign or whatever. Cosmic.

Thinking again, I probably have been overwhelmed today, or is that the subliminals jumping from between the lines of my horoscope making me believe that this was all true?? I think I'll go and lay down now.

I have entered a phase where my non-rational thoughts and feelings can float around in my dreams, detached from the specifics of what they mean. Instead of attempting to stuff them back into the rows and columns of linear logic, I should give them permission to wander through the forgotten corners of my mind.

Hey what's new, non-rational thoughts and feelings floating around in my dreams - I hate to break it to them, but they're not on their own, they'll never be lonely, in fact it's probably getting a bit overcrowded in there; what with all of the non-rational stuff going on in my consciousness. I expect they'll have a lot to talk about. But that's before they embark upon a once in a lifetime trip around the 'forgotten corners of my mind'. They're forgotten for a reason. Could be the synopsis for the new Hellraiser movie, I'll let you know.

Mystically
I am looking at new ways to live a more productive life, yet a lack of confidence could get in the way of trying out my plan. Even if someone seems to present an obstacle to my desire for more fluidity and spontaneity, my argument isn't with anyone else now; it's with myself. I should overcome my own resistance and external blockages will dissipate.

Realistically
I am suffering the effects of a weekend of excess and lack the wherewithal to go 50 metres to the shop and buy a low rent sunday tabloid newspaper to amuse myself with. Even if someone presents me with a pair of socks and shoes and a conveyor belt to carry me. I will be visiting the toilet at least 50 times today to overcome my own resistance to internal blockages. My limbs are still aching from the three mile foray into fitness.

That's how I feel on this Friday evening. No other word for it but Farumph. My limbs ache due to running 3 miles last night - why did I do that? The worst is I've volunteered for more TWICE next week - that will be another 6 miles and some more pain in my hamstrings, calves, plus muscles that I did not even know existed or even know the name of.

What you have to do for a pert bottom that resides in the usual location and not behind the old knees ;O)

Good News!! Derby is getting its very own climbing wall. Opening in late April with 20m high aspect roped climbing and 20m bouldering. Three guesses what I will be doing at lunch time every day for the next 6 months....

I must record my latest achievement at the wall: on Wednesday night I managed a V2 first attempt and then did all the moves on a V2/3 - admittedly all the moves weren't done on the same attempt but I did it nonetheless. Next time V2/3 your bouldery ass is mine!!

I know you shouldn't just look at the grades you should climb what you fancy but it's always nice to have a yard stick; even nicer is that I’m not falling off V0- left right and centre and now have the strength of a small bear as opposed to a teddy bear.

The only thing that remains to overcome is my god damn fear of heights - oh the irony.

Dare devil by night, by day she is lowered off a crag having the heebie jeebies at 23 metres imagining all kinds of horrificness, mutilation and death despite the fact I'm tied onto more ropes than Ropey the rope makers wife. Why does this happen and does anybody have any special tunes/mantras/interesting pieces of poetry or prose that I can hum in my head to take my mind off the fact that I am shitting myself?

The seven summits are on my bucket list, if I don't do something to allay the terror; I fear I may have to take up pot holing instead.

Well, that's me checking in and now checking out. Have a good weekend - I know I'm going to!

Allegedly I may be quite sure about what I want to do and very little can stop me from making positive changes to my life now. My optimism can overcome negativity, but I musn't use it to totally avoid the truth.

I should analyse all data that comes to me and not be afraid to apply it diligently to reach my exciting new goals.

Well, I can't wait. New and exciting goals, my life is now complete.

but lights will only guide you home if you're a pilot right?

If I could give advice it would be that. Keep your mouth closed until your brain catches up with your emotions.

Don't do it. That nano second of satisfaction when something escapes your mouth that would have been better never uttered, well it's not worth it.

Do as I say and not what I do.

The thing with treading water is that it doesn't actually get you anywhere (unless of course you count 'alive' in the equation), and if you stop doing it then you sink/drown/die whatever.

Why do we metaphorically tread the water of life and stay content with this? It makes you tired, demotivated, aimless, pointless and empty. (And don't get me on what it does to your hair).

Have a plan, move forward, progress. Open the next chapter of your life, you never know what you're going to get until you do.

Have courage. Be brave. Be a devil. Go on, I dare you.

left my soul
down by the sea
I lost control
I'm living free

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside, Little boxes, all the same.
There's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one.
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses all went to the university,
Where they were put in boxes, and they came out all the same.
And there's doctors and there's lawyers and business executives,
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky and they all look just the same.

And they all play on the golf-course, and drink their Martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children, and the children go to school.
And the children go to summer camp and then to the university, Where they are put in boxes and they come out all the same.

And the boys go into business, and marry, and raise a family,
In boxes made of ticky-tacky, and they all look just the same.

There's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one.
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky and they all look just the same.

I HAVE A NEW RELIGION, A NEW SET OF BELIEFS, JOIN ME!!!

1. Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk behind me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre
3. The darkest hours some just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbours milk and newspaper, then that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you are not getting any.
5. Don't aspire to be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
7. Never forget that you are unique, just like everybody else.
8. Never test the depth of water with both feet.
9. If you think that nobody cares whether you are alive or dead, then try missing a couple of credit card repayments.
10. Before you judge someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you will be a mile away and you will have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer.
13. Have you ever lent somebody £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days we are the flies. Some days we are the windscreens.
16. Don't worry. It only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
20. There are two theories on how to win an argument with a woman. Neither of them work.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry and get smacked on the arse. From there on in, life gets worse.
25. The most wasted day of all is the one where we have not laughed.

This time four years ago, having successfully hidden from the midwife that had arrived at the house to 'sweep my membranes' (now there's an offer I thought I could never refuse), I was nine days overdue to give birth to my son. We knew he was a son - our son - from 20 weeks into my pregnancy, when we paid for the most amazing private 20 minute scan. The face that went with the name 'Herbert' we had already called him with affection since finding out that I was expecting our child.

I couldn't face the thought of another delivery. My daughters horrific entrance into the world still as fresh in my mind as though it were yesterday and yet ten years had passed. I felt humiliated, debased and most of all out of control. Things were being done to me, some without my consent, Horrible things were happening to me. I was still a child myself. Expected to grow up and face the music whilst popping out a child. Easier said then done. So I didn't. Grow up that is.

And now, there I was ten years later, nine days overdue, wanting to stay pregnant forever. The whole time I was pregnant I did not enjoy it - I could only dwell on what had happened before. It affected me mentally quite badly. I looked ill with worry. Grey. Other expectant mothers bloomed. I was blooming anxious. It showed on my face.

All the other worries aside from the delivery felt as though I was carrying the weight of the world together with the weight of my unborn child. Would I bond with him? Would I love him? Would I be the terrible mother that I had been to my daughter?

This child was different. He was conceived and born out of love. Planned and wanted. What if I messed it all up again?

That child, my son, arrived quickly, nearly seamlessly. All that worry had been for nothing. Yes it hurt. But I was a different person this time around. My husband let me near break all his fingers with each contraction and out he came in 6 minutes. The second I saw his little face I knew that this time it would be different.

He's four tomorrow this son of ours. He's beautiful inside and out. And we made him.

Jamie Oliver has got a lot to answer for I swear! Just had a bit of mare doing a casserole, only in that my casserole dish cracked right through the middle just at a particularly tricky stage in the proceedings.

Anyhow, I have fashioned another casserole dish using two pyrex roasting dishes upside down on each other, disaster averted.

The reason for the picnic? Intimate dinner a deux circa 8.30 p.m. Well, when I say intimate dinner a deux, I really mean, it should be an intimate dinner a deux however my teenage daughter will be glowering over her jerusalem artichokes and butternut squashy bits just in case there is any romance in the air to be squooshed out of existence. Disgusting this romance business if you are 14 and know everything there is to know about everything.

If you too fancy having a go at this very easy casserole, the link is below. 20 minutes preparation time (40 if you have to work out what to cook the damn thing in) and 3 -4 hours in a moderate oven.

Talented woman this mrsbate, she can even read a recipe.

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/2007/09/26/jools_s_favourite_beef_stew

A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner.

He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'

Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.

As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'

Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

I don't know if you have ever had the misfortune to read any of her drivel however I have, and now I feel duty bound to warn you about her.

Being the classically beautiful supermodelesque type that she is, she is clearly qualified to poke fun at mere mortal women and does so at will to any media outlet that will pay for her poisonous mutterings.

I may get sued here but what the hell. In for a penny in for a pound. And let's be honest, it doesn't stop her.

Right then, for the jugular: IMO she's fat, has a face like Camilla Parker Bowles, a problem with the drink (must have as I could only be so vile whilst hungover) and is obviously green with envy at the thought of other women doing well for themselves. She is not an advocate of successful women - she is one like Katy Hopkins (but not as clever or slim - nearly said attractive but I cannot seem to get passed rattlesnake when I picture the 'delightful' Katie), one that will take you down, silent assassin. Look you in the eye whilst stealing your husband type. She is the kind of woman that undermines other women and does not support them.

It's a shame that her intellect doesn't even match the size of her ass, even more unfortunate that she sees fit to pour scorn on other women despite being far from an exemplary specimen herself. How can she mock the post-pregnancy shape of another woman looking the way that she does herself? I expect she pinged straight back into her size 22 jeans immediately after the delivery.

She is jealous, green eyed, bitter and twisted and I firmly believe she needs a good slap. Everything I read that she has written is back biting or sniping at women. Whilst I am not a feminist per se, I suspect that she must be a chauvenist male pig with a dress and lipstick on. I bet she wears thongs too. Well, if the cap fits....