is not a good feeling to be carrying around with you on a 24/7 basis. It does nothing but sit there gnawing at your insides.

Doesn’t matter what clothes you wear
Doesn’t matter the cut or the colour of your hair
Doesn’t matter how you dress yourself up
If you’re street, if you’re hot, if your mates big you up
You cannot change it with blusher, mascara or gloss
Count it up, what you’ve spent, the amount that you’ve lost
Put a new dress on perhaps some more shoes
But inside where it matters, it’s not scarlet it’s blue
An itch you can’t scratch it, it’s driving you mental
Gnawing away, relentless, you’re already on fire and the itch becomes petrol
You’re dirty inside, despicable right to the core
Disgusting and wrong since forever, before?
Don’t matter what you do, the paper veneer is thin
And as soon as you let another one in
To your heart and your soul
Then it’s not long before they see and they know
How dark and twisted you are
And this picture you paint to the rest of the world is a sham

Or is it?

My life needs a good wash on 40 degrees with extra soap powder.

So many things to address that it is a little overwhelming. Lists help and I use them at work to good effect but then that's another irony. So organised during the day and yet so up in the air the second I leave the building.

1. Is she/isn't she married/going to stay married? Living like a single person with a solemnised trinkets third finger left hand is very confusing.
2. Does she/doesn't she want to stay married? If so, go to 3, if not, go to 4....
3. Stay married? Then sort it out. Interim FB's until something better comes along is head doer in of the highest order.
4. Not stay married - get a bloody divorce and get on with life - which obviously impacts upon shadier area of personal goings on
5. Continue/not continue something blatantly wrong on many levels even if enjoyable? Have a conscience, let it prick you with a thousand electrified needles.
6. Head fuck: Talk about it and feel miserable for 2 years until ultimate goal is reached or not talk about it, stay in denial and remain as is for kingdom come ad infinitum.
7. Confront the monster in the closet/not confront the monster in the closet because the monster in the closet is now a reformed character and contrite? Say something - anguish for closet monster; not say something = anguish multiplied by a million just for me to keep.
8. Drink. Stop it. Liver will rot, teeth will fall out, will end up living is social housing pushing cats around in 3 wheeled Asda shopping trolley, wearing fake Juicy Couture velour tracksuits and Reebok classics, singing unintelligibly at random passers by then asking for 20p not to mention licking windows as and when the opportunity presents
9. Lower expectations of oneself. That way more chance of achieving goals. Realise not practically perfect in every way and deal with it. Must not forget to extend that to rest of population.
10. Money - sort out before prison sentence passed.
11. Shady area - has to go end of story. Not conducive to not having heart attack or causing heart attacks/anguish/heartbreak/life changing bad news for more than just me.
12. Live by the list, live by the list

Ready for another counselling session on Thursday, and having been asked to try and cats my mind back to the turning point in my life. When did I switch off from everybody, everything and every emotion? Which moment or time in my life was it that did this to me?

I thought deeply last night laying in bed. I'd assumed for most of my twenties and thirties that this was all down to abusive relationships - as in the ones that I had chosen and formed myself as an adult. But they were just another symptom of this illness. I'm bad and I need punishing so seek out the men that will happily oblige and compound.

It hit me hard with a bang, slam, karumph. It paralysed me for a moment before the sobs came. That moment of truth. I felt like I had been waiting all of my life for it, I knew it all along and yet I didn't want to let it in. My earliest memories flooded back into my mind; a kaleidoscope of forgotten imagery from the deep dark past.

Another disgusting, abusive relationship; this one I was mostly a spectator to. it has formed and shaped my life beyond anything that I can even begin to comprehend. Everything I feel is based around violence and anger.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Another time another place.

If there's any budding rock climbers or boulderers out there then you have to check out this new wall.

http://www.alter-rock.co.uk/index.html

This is the link to the website. The bouldering grades are set a little higher than I'm used to but the climbing is spectacular. It's located inside an old church and so the feel and space of the place is sensational. Best wall I have been to as yet. And I intend to go again lots more times!!! Check it out...

I appreciate that it is supposed to be lucky if a bird poos on your head but what about this scenario:

You are standing slightly removed from the back door in your dressing gown minding your own business at 06:45 hours having a cigarette [bad bad mrsbate]; a blackbird flys over your head and lands on the gutter above your head and starts to sing.

Next thing the dirty little bastard aims his aris at you and fires black sticky goo in your direction. Now not having my glasses on made it a bastard to dodge. Cheeky bird I thought. And then the little twat did it again. Aimed right at me I mean. I did not know until today that blackbirds could aim and fire their feathery little bottoms at will.

I think we should all be watching out for them.... they are obviously a bigger threat than we pegged them for; who knows what else they are capable of?

only you can make this world seem right
only you can make the darkness bright
only you and you alone
can thrill me like you do
and fill my heart with love for only you

only you can make this change in me
for it's true, you are my destiny
when you hold my hand
I understand the magic that you do
you're my dream come true
my one and only you

...so why did I forsake you?

I just wanted to say that because I do. I hate it I hate it I hate. 4th May 1994 is when I did one of the first of many VERY stupid things.

If I hadn't done that colosally stupid thing then maybe the flood gates for an entire fourteen seasons of stupid episodes may not have been opened. Maybe it paved the way for a whole new meaning to the word 'stupid', used concurrently with 'You Cow A Are' for maximum effect.

Maybe I'm just blaming anything and everything because that's what I do. Maybe there is nothing wrong with the 4th may after all, maybe it's just me and the decisions I make whatever day of the year it is.

That's me and to be honest I am just waiting for the next big gust of wind [euphemism for what mrsbate can do next to fuck up her own life] to knock me off my surfboard.

I'm in the predicament of all predicaments of all predicaments of all predicaments. More complicated than a 6 nested if statement formula. Everything is so ....ironic. The things I expect, no demand! from those around me I cannot deliver and fail to on a daily basis. Bending the truth to make it look like I am. I set these standards that nobody can maintain not even me and they’re my standards. Born to fail? You are if you make it impossible for you to succeed by your own rules and regulations.

Right now I think these feelings of - well whatever they are - negative - are all coming out because I have the nerve to be jealous. I am sat here wondering what my husband is out doing with all of his mates girlfriends friends. In town. With drink. Him no wedding ring. I can't stand it. Knowing his mate would chew off his own right arm to see hubby get off with somebody else and 'get over me'. What does this mean? I don't know what is going on in my head although I keep wanting to cry.

There's nobody in any of my realities that I can tell this to, I'm a different person for different people. None of them can I admit this to, red mist, this thing that is gnawing my insides out. It's not new though and this is the most tragic thing. I knew how I felt about him before I embarked on alternate realities, deceit and lies; ensuring that more nails went into the coffin of our marriage. I'm a clever woman and I cannot for the life of me fathom why ..... here it comes the bolt from the blue, or should I say the irresistible seductive scarlet flash of that big red button, the one that says DO NOT PRESS!!! DANGER!!! DO NOT PRESS.

I feel bad. And it serves me right.

Go Leeds, Go Forest, Go Leeds, Go Forest ....

Leeds play Carlisle in semi-finals of League One play offs, Monday 12 May at Home and then Thursday 15 May away from home. Everything crossed for Super Leeds and a Wembley final on 25 May, I'll be there singing my little heart out. We finished 5th in the League and yes, whilst we would have gotten automatic promotion without the 15 point deduction personally I wouldn't have it any other way. I think we're going back up. I would stake my sunday lunch on it.

And then, what can I say... Super Forest indeed. My crystal ball it worked! Forest won at home to Leyton Orient, Doncaster were beaten away by relegation threatened Cheltenham.... up go Forest back into the championship woo ha. Next season is going to be great.

[For all of you purists out there who say you can't follow two teams, well I'm living proof that you can on an 85/15 loyalty divide]